I've been silent on this blog for a long time for obvious reasons...I mean, what is there to say? Nothing I can say makes anything that happened better so I just had to quit talking or thinking about it. Well, today was going to be my "due date" and I'm really not quite sure how I'm handling things. I still feel remorse and sadness. When I thought of it this morning, I cried for the first time in awhile about it. Then the next minute I'm fine and thinking "what is...is." Honestly though, I've been dreading the approach of this day for awhile now and the only way to get through a day like this is to see into the future...see that light at the end of the tunnel. Well, with this kind of situation, there is no light until I'm pregnant again and know everything will be okay so I'm just going to have to "truck along" and not think about it.
So for those concerned or wondering, that's where I am right now. I can't talk about it in person or hear I'm sorry's without getting too emotional. So instead of sending your sympathies, just say a prayer for us. I know you're thinking of us. And thanks for listening.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Well, this is a hard one to type but here goes...
We have bad news and I just want to get this out and done with so life can start to go on.
On Wednesday the 13th, our doctor called us in to discuss our last ultrasound. They thought they saw a form of spina bifida, a cyst/hole on the lower back, and wanted us to get further checked out at Swedish in Seattle. Completely freaked out, full of questions and unable to get answers, we were able to get an ultrasound appt for the next day in Seattle. Here's what they found.
It's a pretty severe form of spina bifida. They were able to see the size of the hole, clubbed feet (turned inwards), and some neural issues which all would result in brain malfunction, paralysis, and lack of bladder/bowel control not to mention all the surgeries, medical care and the fact that he could never be independent and enjoy life. We also found out it was the boy we had so badly wanted, which now is just a slap in the face.
In any case, Erik and I with the support of our close loved ones came to an excruciating decision that we can't bring a child into this world who had to "live" that way. It isn't fair to anyone involved, especially to the child. We appreciate everybody's love and support through this.
I can't say much more about my feelings at this point because I'm numb from this new form of pain I'm experiencing. I love you all and we're just going to need lots of time to get through all this.
On Wednesday the 13th, our doctor called us in to discuss our last ultrasound. They thought they saw a form of spina bifida, a cyst/hole on the lower back, and wanted us to get further checked out at Swedish in Seattle. Completely freaked out, full of questions and unable to get answers, we were able to get an ultrasound appt for the next day in Seattle. Here's what they found.
It's a pretty severe form of spina bifida. They were able to see the size of the hole, clubbed feet (turned inwards), and some neural issues which all would result in brain malfunction, paralysis, and lack of bladder/bowel control not to mention all the surgeries, medical care and the fact that he could never be independent and enjoy life. We also found out it was the boy we had so badly wanted, which now is just a slap in the face.
In any case, Erik and I with the support of our close loved ones came to an excruciating decision that we can't bring a child into this world who had to "live" that way. It isn't fair to anyone involved, especially to the child. We appreciate everybody's love and support through this.
I can't say much more about my feelings at this point because I'm numb from this new form of pain I'm experiencing. I love you all and we're just going to need lots of time to get through all this.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Gender Ultrasound Story
Cute story I found that sums up what I'm feeling:
"For a month before the “gender ultrasound,” I could tell you exactly the amount of time before we’d find out about the thing growing in my belly.
“Two weeks, three days, one hour and 10 minutes until I know for sure,” I’d say. “I can’t wait.”
Really, I couldn’t. I had dreams about the baby being a boy and then the next night, a girl. The gender ultrasound was all I could think about. I’d call friends up just to guess what “type of baby I was having.”
The way I discussed it, you’d think I was going to The Gap to buy a sweater. “Hmm, is it a boy type or girl type? Do you think these come in size medium?”
The day of the ultrasound was like every Christmas, birthday and wedding day piled into one. It was ultrasound day! The baby! What “type” of baby was I having?
I ran into the ultrasound room, plopped onto the table and said “All I care about is knowing if it is a boy or girl. Let’s get this party started.”
The ultrasound tech, at this point, got a little testy with me. “Don’t you even care if the baby is healthy?”
“Of course I care. Right after I find out the gender.”"
"For a month before the “gender ultrasound,” I could tell you exactly the amount of time before we’d find out about the thing growing in my belly.
“Two weeks, three days, one hour and 10 minutes until I know for sure,” I’d say. “I can’t wait.”
Really, I couldn’t. I had dreams about the baby being a boy and then the next night, a girl. The gender ultrasound was all I could think about. I’d call friends up just to guess what “type of baby I was having.”
The way I discussed it, you’d think I was going to The Gap to buy a sweater. “Hmm, is it a boy type or girl type? Do you think these come in size medium?”
The day of the ultrasound was like every Christmas, birthday and wedding day piled into one. It was ultrasound day! The baby! What “type” of baby was I having?
I ran into the ultrasound room, plopped onto the table and said “All I care about is knowing if it is a boy or girl. Let’s get this party started.”
The ultrasound tech, at this point, got a little testy with me. “Don’t you even care if the baby is healthy?”
“Of course I care. Right after I find out the gender.”"
Week Development 17
Don't be too shocked but... your baby is EVEN bigger than it was last week, not to mention getting cuter, and smarter every day! As you’ve come to expect, there’s no shortage of growth and development this week: your fantastic little bean stalk has added yet another half inch to their overall height-- making them nearly half a foot long! Their little limbs have reached (or are within one week of) their relative proportions, and will continue to grow evenly with the rest of the body after this week. Reactive listening has begun for your baby, even though their ears are not yet structurally complete or fully functional. Meanwhile, different parts of their astonishingly complex brain are developing to process your little one’s hearing and other senses, (you know, sight, smell, taste and touch). Mind boggling factoid of the week: if you’re having going to have a little girl, her ovaries have already produced millions of primordial egg cells, which, within a few weeks, will develop into actual eggs! Phew… just wait till she’s a teenager eh?
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Baby Pool - START
Thought this might be fun! The expected due date is OCT 15TH. Copy and paste the following questions into a comment and type your answers:
Your name:
Your relationship to Renyel or Erik:
Boy or Girl:
Birth date:
Time (by the hour):
Weight (down to the ounce):
Suggested boys names:
Suggested girls names:
I'll track everyone's comments on a spreadsheet and post results!
Your name:
Your relationship to Renyel or Erik:
Boy or Girl:
Birth date:
Time (by the hour):
Weight (down to the ounce):
Suggested boys names:
Suggested girls names:
I'll track everyone's comments on a spreadsheet and post results!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Week 16 Development
Over the past three weeks your astounding growing baby has managed to stretch yet another 2 full inches (totaling about 4.5 inches) and weighs around 3.5 ounces. Yessireee, that’s some pretty serious growth... and with it comes several physical developments! For starters, their head to body ratio is finally starting to even out a bit as the rest of the body is actually growing faster than the head at this point. Yes, your little light bulb is not so top-heavy. Their adorable little limbs have lengthened, almost reaching their normal proportions which they will have at birth. Their eyes are still closed but moving and if you had an ultrasound, which many doctors recommend you have at about this time, you may even see your little one sucking on a thumb, not to mention the necessary signifiers to let you know whether you’ve got a wee lad or lassie.
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